And then what...

Most days I relish in the overactive nature of my mind. It keeps me occupied and often produces several creative or logical avenues to any number of issues I might be facing. From simply figuring out the best order of events for efficiency to sussing out the complex challenges of an ongoing problem.

Money. This is, and has thus far been, a constant and agonizing issue for me. In varying extremes, my attempts to move ahead and find some sort of livable financial comfort appear to be counteractive. Oh sure, any one of my choices for employ or management approaches have positive and negative aspects, but in the end little of either seems to matter. Things get paid, life goes on, regardless of the amount of stress or effort I seem to put forth.

At this moment I am of the conclusion that finding a balance between raising my children and supporting them financially will continue to be unpredictable. Especially in this economy and as a single parent. I try not to focus for too long on the hindsight I have gained through a myriad of choice that, when made, were thought to be the most beneficial. Of course, the needs that dicate what is beneficial are ever changing.

Facebook rantings

I am completely worked into a gut-wrenching contempt for quite possibly the most IGNORANT person in Missouri. I hope with every fiber of who I am that voters in that state react as strongly as I have and so many other Americans to Representative Todd Akin following his ludicrous statements regarding whether he approved of abortion in the case of rape. "“It seems to be, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, it’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.” (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/21/us/politics/rep-todd-akin-legitimate-rape-statement-and-reaction.html) Where do I even begin? Were I able to address Akin directly, I would insist he actually attempt LISTENING to the whole explanation he claims to have 'understood from doctors' before repeating it as fact. A woman's body does not 'shut down' to prevent pregnancy during rape any more than it 'starts up' to conceive during consensual sex for an infertile woman. It is NOT uncommon for a rape to result in pregnancy and that is determined by BASIC BIOLOGY. Ovulation and sperm, regardless of how the sperm is introduced, more often than not result in pregnancy. Forcible rape. Legitimate rape. I cannot stop shaking my head at the gall of what these terms imply. Rape is forcible. And anytime a person is forced to perform or endure sexual acts against their will it is legitimate. Rape is rape and needs no descriptive introductions. I am a survivor of rape. By definition, I was gang raped. Yet despite the repeated forcible acts by two assailants, the examining nurse noted only minor vaginal trauma. And still, three jurys convicted two men of raping me in Virginia based on the evidence presented. Minor vaginal trauma. My body's reaction to the forcible acts of rape was to protect itself anyway it could. By Akin's (and many other close-minded people's) thinking, the fact that my body produced vaginal lubricant (as has happened to many rape victims) in response to being forcibly penetrated by two unknown men would indicate I enjoyed it. If my body could 'shut itself down', wouldn't it choose to CLOSE ALL ENTRY POINTS to avoid being raped at all? The entire traumatic event of rape is base in LACK of control. What our bodies do or don't do in response to being raped does not legitimize or negate that rape occurred. There are those individuals who have claimed rape falsely. The presence of pregancy following rape does not mean the claim was false. Generalizations and stereotypes based on the few only serve to further skew the majority's reality. And supposed leaders like Akin continue to spread their ignorance and invalidate rape victims. And what exactly does Akin have to say in response to the backlash? "The good people of Missouri nominated me, and I’m not a quitter,” Akin told Mike Huckabee, the former Arkansas governor who now hosts a radio show. “My belief is, we’re going to take this thing forward. And, by the grace of God, we’re going to win this race. To quote my old friend John Paul Jones, ‘I’ve not yet begun to fight.’ ” (http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/with-todd-akins-rape-comments-abortion-is-back-in-the-campaign-spotlight/2012/08/20/c497bae4-eac7-11e1-a80b-9f898562d010_story.html) SERIOUSLY??!? Well, buckle up Akin, because the voting majority, very much inclusive of rape survivors who both were and were not impregnated unwillingly by the violent, and forcible acts of criminals 'have not yet begun to fight'. I am LEGITIMATELY pissed off and want your FORCIBLE resignation from the public office that is meant to serve the American public (including myself and all American rape survivors) that you currently occupy. Emphatically against ignorance that stunts understanding and healing, Tammy Chamberland Rape Survivor Single Mother AMERICAN VOTER

so many questions

Whatever it is I'm lacking, I'm lacking it in droves. In a number of aspects of my life. Or maybe this is just my time to suffer through disappointment and heavy heartedness. More growth around the corner? Am I ignoring something because I can't see past the hurt and sadness? One day at a time until I figure it out - or it all works itself out.

Anger can be a very freeing emotion

No matter how often it happens, the moment when sadness, worry or uncertainty turns to anger never ceases to amaze me. I'm in awe of the empowerment it provides me. No longer do I feel trodden on or victimized, I feel pissed off and I love it! Suddenly everything that seemed important or worth figuring out disappears and the basic core of the issue is revealed. It's raw and it's powerful. This type of anger reaffirms the validity of what I have been feeling, but it also reminds me of how incredibly valuable I am as a person. I'm not some always-angry-drama-mama; just a REAL, open, giving and mostly tolerant woman who had had the misfortune to be screwed over emotionally by others far more times than should be. Intelligence and a caring nature, it would seem, do not make a person immune to this depravity of human nature. Yes, it's true, some people just suck and we only figure it out when those of us who are honest and true are messed about. I'm really beginning to see potential need in hanging a sign from my neck that reads "No longer accepting applications from head cases, train wrecks, spineless or ball-less cowards for friend or significant other positions". So over the complete bullshit of people who lack moral character and genuine spirit. You people know who you are and you should crawl back under your rock...or you know, go fuck yourselves!

More of me...

My ego, whom I loving refer to as The Inner Brat (or Brat for short) is also my go-to cover girl for those times in life when I'm feeling or acting anyway that is out of typical character for me. If I want to go out and let loose, it's The Brat. Feeling pouty and less than understanding - The Brat again. Of course, she's also given credit for memorable times where I might have opted to stay home and be boring and instead got together with friends and had a fabulous night. She has my back when I'm too soft and let people take advantage of me, and she gladly deals with any yucky feelings that I simply cannot stop for in daily life. I adore her. I am occasionally horrified by her behavior. But mostly, I am grateful for this facet of my personality, because without her I may never have reached the heights of living a rounded life, known when to say enough when I've been treated poorly, or recognize the growth of this person known as me. Eh, pfftt. I got nothing else and The Brat is basking in the glow of cabernet :)

sync

Nothing here is new; these ideas, views and reflection have been, and will continue to be had, thought, shared and recognized by individuals around the world. Regardless of language, religion, belief and culture - at some point, in some way, it's there and it's true.

Friends and loved ones fulfill roles in our lives that are unique and tailored for each of us. How and why we gravitate to the people we do is what contributes to us being 'us'. My three closest friends are so different, yet somehow similar. Each one means something different to me and we interact based on the element of my energy that is most prevalent with theirs.

My male friends represent something apart from my female friends. But there is a distinct and specific connection with each person in my life that does not mirror that which I share with any other.

My attraction to a relationship with another person solidly stands with that element of myself that is most pronounced in their presence or by their energy. With friendships - I get it right nearly all the time. Amazingly, however, it's the exact opposite with love. What seemed like a good fit, typically leaves me with blisters or binding me in ways I hadn't thought possible. How can I make beneficial choices in friends, yet miss the mark every time with significant others? I am baffled.

Is there light soon?

"Promised I would find a little solace and some peace of mind, whatever just as long as I don't feel so desperate and ravenous, so weak and powerless..." - A Perfect Circle - Weak and Powerless These lyrics can certainly sum up my most recent state of heart and mind. Emotional strife - conflict that binds itself to so close to my core has been wreaking havoc on life. Feeling helpless and lost to help those I care most about coupled with complete and utter confusion over what is happening between they and I is draining. Maintaining faith, hope, belief or whatever you call it is something I alternate between barely achieving and failing miserably. Painful issues and events overwhelm my soul, and there is little I can do to soothe the ache. Adopting a positive mantra has proven far more challenging than imagined; practicing hourly self-checks to correct or avoid defeatist thoughts. Oh and breathing. Amazing how breathing can keep a person from stepping too far into the dark.

Hollow

Eh, screw it! I'm tired of feeling like life is difficult. Sometimes it is, and it takes more energy. I'm healthy and have energy to spare. Bring it on.

Strength is not about stoicism

Strength, the kind that builds and exemplifies character, is about persevering. Challenging events and difficult experiences bring us to "breaking points" throughout our lives; how we survive them and continue our journey tells the story of strength.

My story has many pages; chapters that, when I look back on, at times amaze and inspire me. I don't remember every detail or moment that set my life on it's current path, but the times that nudged me (and sometimes full-on shoved me) in a specific direction are lit up forever in my memory.

Not until recently did I actually grasp and understand how much emotional freedom has to do with strength. As a person who has been affected by the tragedies and hardships of the people I love, being empathetic requires little pause. Accepting the varying emotional highs and lows, particularly the lows, with my own disappointments, hurts and struggles is entirely different. Allowing the feelings that elicit floods of tears, leaving me feeling open and raw had always seemed like weakness. I could afford those around me with something I could not embrace with myself. It isn't that I didn't "feel"; empathy by it's very definition involves a deep level of experiencing similar feelings. It was more that the only time I would freely allow my emotions to be exposed is through other's grief-stricken moments. When it came to the overwhelming loss, hurt, anger and fear that struck my own life, the emotional process was like hiccups - mini breakdowns followed by the swift return of my stoic wall.

I still got through the tough times, grew as a person, but something was occurring that I could not see. I was becoming less empathetic, at times offering statements, advice and support that I thought might be comforting, but in reality must have been more like salt in open wounds. Having controlled my own feelings for so long, I didn't recognize that my heart and soul were suffering. In some instances, offering support and comfort to someone I care about, became more about my own grief. Instead of listening with empathetic ears and an open heart, there are times I now see that my heart and soul jumped at the chance for their own validations; at the expense of someone else.

I have, by way of stoicism, hurt those I care about. There is no strength in that. This is not a constant or frequent occurrence, though it has been costly. Even now, amid the still fresh realization that strength comes from throwing the doors wide open to release the emotions despite the vulnerabilities it opens me up to, I am tempted to go the way of the stoic. And then I remember that growth, progress and true empathy are only possible with emotional freedom. I cannot be strong and supportive of others if I have not dealt with my own issues and they bleed into someone else.

Today, I am gaining real strength.