Anger can be a very freeing emotion

No matter how often it happens, the moment when sadness, worry or uncertainty turns to anger never ceases to amaze me. I'm in awe of the empowerment it provides me. No longer do I feel trodden on or victimized, I feel pissed off and I love it! Suddenly everything that seemed important or worth figuring out disappears and the basic core of the issue is revealed. It's raw and it's powerful. This type of anger reaffirms the validity of what I have been feeling, but it also reminds me of how incredibly valuable I am as a person. I'm not some always-angry-drama-mama; just a REAL, open, giving and mostly tolerant woman who had had the misfortune to be screwed over emotionally by others far more times than should be. Intelligence and a caring nature, it would seem, do not make a person immune to this depravity of human nature. Yes, it's true, some people just suck and we only figure it out when those of us who are honest and true are messed about. I'm really beginning to see potential need in hanging a sign from my neck that reads "No longer accepting applications from head cases, train wrecks, spineless or ball-less cowards for friend or significant other positions". So over the complete bullshit of people who lack moral character and genuine spirit. You people know who you are and you should crawl back under your rock...or you know, go fuck yourselves!

More of me...

My ego, whom I loving refer to as The Inner Brat (or Brat for short) is also my go-to cover girl for those times in life when I'm feeling or acting anyway that is out of typical character for me. If I want to go out and let loose, it's The Brat. Feeling pouty and less than understanding - The Brat again. Of course, she's also given credit for memorable times where I might have opted to stay home and be boring and instead got together with friends and had a fabulous night. She has my back when I'm too soft and let people take advantage of me, and she gladly deals with any yucky feelings that I simply cannot stop for in daily life. I adore her. I am occasionally horrified by her behavior. But mostly, I am grateful for this facet of my personality, because without her I may never have reached the heights of living a rounded life, known when to say enough when I've been treated poorly, or recognize the growth of this person known as me. Eh, pfftt. I got nothing else and The Brat is basking in the glow of cabernet :)

sync

Nothing here is new; these ideas, views and reflection have been, and will continue to be had, thought, shared and recognized by individuals around the world. Regardless of language, religion, belief and culture - at some point, in some way, it's there and it's true.

Friends and loved ones fulfill roles in our lives that are unique and tailored for each of us. How and why we gravitate to the people we do is what contributes to us being 'us'. My three closest friends are so different, yet somehow similar. Each one means something different to me and we interact based on the element of my energy that is most prevalent with theirs.

My male friends represent something apart from my female friends. But there is a distinct and specific connection with each person in my life that does not mirror that which I share with any other.

My attraction to a relationship with another person solidly stands with that element of myself that is most pronounced in their presence or by their energy. With friendships - I get it right nearly all the time. Amazingly, however, it's the exact opposite with love. What seemed like a good fit, typically leaves me with blisters or binding me in ways I hadn't thought possible. How can I make beneficial choices in friends, yet miss the mark every time with significant others? I am baffled.

Is there light soon?

"Promised I would find a little solace and some peace of mind, whatever just as long as I don't feel so desperate and ravenous, so weak and powerless..." - A Perfect Circle - Weak and Powerless These lyrics can certainly sum up my most recent state of heart and mind. Emotional strife - conflict that binds itself to so close to my core has been wreaking havoc on life. Feeling helpless and lost to help those I care most about coupled with complete and utter confusion over what is happening between they and I is draining. Maintaining faith, hope, belief or whatever you call it is something I alternate between barely achieving and failing miserably. Painful issues and events overwhelm my soul, and there is little I can do to soothe the ache. Adopting a positive mantra has proven far more challenging than imagined; practicing hourly self-checks to correct or avoid defeatist thoughts. Oh and breathing. Amazing how breathing can keep a person from stepping too far into the dark.

Hollow

Eh, screw it! I'm tired of feeling like life is difficult. Sometimes it is, and it takes more energy. I'm healthy and have energy to spare. Bring it on.