Strength, the kind that builds and exemplifies character, is about persevering. Challenging events and difficult experiences bring us to "breaking points" throughout our lives; how we survive them and continue our journey tells the story of strength.
My story has many pages; chapters that, when I look back on, at times amaze and inspire me. I don't remember every detail or moment that set my life on it's current path, but the times that nudged me (and sometimes full-on shoved me) in a specific direction are lit up forever in my memory.
Not until recently did I actually grasp and understand how much emotional freedom has to do with strength. As a person who has been affected by the tragedies and hardships of the people I love, being empathetic requires little pause. Accepting the varying emotional highs and lows, particularly the lows, with my own disappointments, hurts and struggles is entirely different. Allowing the feelings that elicit floods of tears, leaving me feeling open and raw had always seemed like weakness. I could afford those around me with something I could not embrace with myself. It isn't that I didn't "feel"; empathy by it's very definition involves a deep level of experiencing similar feelings. It was more that the only time I would freely allow my emotions to be exposed is through other's grief-stricken moments. When it came to the overwhelming loss, hurt, anger and fear that struck my own life, the emotional process was like hiccups - mini breakdowns followed by the swift return of my stoic wall.
I still got through the tough times, grew as a person, but something was occurring that I could not see. I was becoming less empathetic, at times offering statements, advice and support that I thought might be comforting, but in reality must have been more like salt in open wounds. Having controlled my own feelings for so long, I didn't recognize that my heart and soul were suffering. In some instances, offering support and comfort to someone I care about, became more about my own grief. Instead of listening with empathetic ears and an open heart, there are times I now see that my heart and soul jumped at the chance for their own validations; at the expense of someone else.
I have, by way of stoicism, hurt those I care about. There is no strength in that. This is not a constant or frequent occurrence, though it has been costly. Even now, amid the still fresh realization that strength comes from throwing the doors wide open to release the emotions despite the vulnerabilities it opens me up to, I am tempted to go the way of the stoic. And then I remember that growth, progress and true empathy are only possible with emotional freedom. I cannot be strong and supportive of others if I have not dealt with my own issues and they bleed into someone else.
Today, I am gaining real strength.
