Breaking free from tunnel vision

It's quiet this morning. The windows are closed, the boys are sleep...even my cat is asleep. He's a big fur-ball all curled up at my feet, resting his paw over his face. Sort of entertaining to watch as he shifts and moves around, completely unaware that I am studying him.

Lately, I've been making more of an effort to see the world around me differently. Or at least attempting to see things I haven't noticed before. I'm greedy; I want to see as many opportunities and open doors as humanly possible and still be able be in the moment when it counts. I draw inspiration from my surroundings, as most writers do, so the last thing I would want happening is for the well of ideas to dry up or become mundane. Being habitual is great for maintaining life's rhythm, but being methodical can cause a person to miss the options, as well as a variety of experiences and encounters.

Until recently, I loathed having too many choices. There were too many 'what ifs' about the impact on my life each choice could make. Of course this was all assuming my life would only ever be defined by the narrow terms I had chosen long ago. I had never even considered that life could be boundless. Actually, that isn't exactly true. There was a time when the world around me was full of more possibilities than I could ever have hoped to imagine; childhood.

Every day was an adventure and the scenarios I would dream up were never restricted by that knee-jerk self limitation that plagues adults. That awful condition that causes a parent to scoff at the off-the-wall ideas or dreams of their child. The same affliction that has us convincing ourselves we could 'never' do x, y or z because we aren't good enough, don't have what it takes, or because it's completely foreign and scares the shit out of us. Sure, we have told ourselves that this is being practical, responsible and safe. Limits keep us from making grave errors or ending up in unknown situations, and while that is somewhat true, we inflate the importance of limits and deny ourselves experiences that are pure and full of untapped potential. As children, we imposed few of these same limits and fought back when others told us we couldn't do things, because we still thought and acted from that amazing state of mind called 'what if'. Fear of the unknown hadn't tainted our minds and hearts.

It is true that making a living and surviving today may limit our time, but does it have to rule our energy and keep us rooted in fear of the unknown? If I want to go to Ireland (which I do), then the only thing keeping me from doing so is those pesky self-limiting thoughts. I have heard the phrase 'Where there is a will, there is a way' throughout my life, but until considering that I don't have to live in this tiny box I have designed, I didn't realize the enormity of that statement.

So today, and every day after, I am going to step outside the confines of this 'box' and see or do things simply because I CAN. No limitations.

A thought worthy of sharing...

I have been posting nightly reflections/appreciations on facebook for people that have impacted my life and what I have learned from their presence - however short lived. This was tonight's status: 

Day 233: Just watched a rerun of How I Met Your Mother...The Burger. Experiencing something 'life changing', but having no idea of how you arrived at that moment or how to replicate it; the show's theme in a nutshell. It's a bit surprising to me that I'm actually seeing beyond the comical entertainment value of a sitcom, and pulling applicable meaning to real life. Too often attention is focused on what was and trying to recreate or bring back all the elements of a moment in time, instead of embracing the memory and learning to appreciate the here and now. It's eerily easy to become wrapped up in what was or what you remember something or sometime to be, but what is often overlooked is recognizing the miracle of having been able to feel, experience or live that moment. Our memories shouldn't taunt or consume us with longing, they should comfort and spark tangible echoes of amazing days and nights gone by. And those not so good memories shouldn't haunt us for the rest of our years; we should be grateful it is the past and proud of how far we have come from it. I battle with this; regularly. The what-ifs and might-have-beens of choices made or opportunities missed. Truth be told, I berate myself far too often for not being where I imagined I would be...and it would appear that dreaming can be as detrimental as remembering, if not done responsibly :) I once had a friend who was so fixated on what their future was 'suppose' to be and always two steps behind realizing the missteps made, they couldn't live in the now. They were consumed with attempting to control everything and everyone around them in a fruitless attempt to achieve what they thought they were suppose to. Manipulation, coercion and frantic, unpredictable behaviors only hold us hostage to what no longer exists and what may never be, while pushing our present and all who inhabit it away from us. Remember for the sake of remembering, dream for the sake of dreaming; don't lose yourself in times that no longer exist. Be present in your here and now.

Tech-devotion

I am lax. How on earth can I consider myself a writer when I am so terrible at being consistent with it? For all the misspent time I could have written at least five books by now. Pitiful. Though self-loathing isn't going to get the words down here or in a word file. I believe I need to redirect whatever tenacity and vigor I have toward producing something of written value.

Life is short and opportunities become fewer as years pass. Will I have squandered the very moments that were a gift or will I finally choose to push myself to write regularly and with meaning? Trying to push myself toward productivity worthy of my creative talents.

Is there a vein of thought that would keep me typing away somewhere inside this head of mine? Sadly, there are too many to sort out and there would be a mass of half thoughts thrown on a page making little to no sense even to me. Well, maybe there's one...

I keep my phone beside my bed every night. It sits there on the nightstand, charging and waiting to sound the alarm I set for the next morning. I had an alarm clock, though it saw it's last hoorah a couple of years ago and I just never replaced it. Why, when I have a perfectly good iPhone to do the job? 

Every so often a notification causes my phone to vibrate in alert, most often I roll over and ignore it. Sleep, after all, is essential. I am, of course, ever so thankful I finally figured out those damn facebook notification settings. There were nights when the alerts caused a near-constant vibration and I'd just give up and turn my phone off. Yeah, phone off - no alarm. A couple late mornings and I was motivated to figure those settings out.

Depending on my current relationship status, I either love my phone or I loathe it. Currently I am resentful of the lack of texts from a special someone, as it serves to mock my inability to find a lasting relationship. At no time during the course of a 24-hour period is my contempt for my phone more prevalent than at bedtime. I plug it in to the charger, lie it down on the nightstand, and stare at it's dark screen. Nothing. No 'goodnight' texts, no prolonged facebook conversations; nothing. It isn't my phone's fault, I know, but the messenger always gets screwed. I eventually fall asleep, though there is some residual resentment when I wake up to no 'good morning' text. (Sigh) My poor phone bears a heavy load.

This phone has become an appendage, and one I couldn't imagine living without. Sad to some extent, but so much of my 'relationship interactions' are via its touchscreen and apps. I carry it close to me and try not to mistreat it, but I have accidentally thrown it while talking and dropped it when carrying too much in my hands. It is well protected in its defender case however. I can call, text, message and google the moment I want, and willingly frustrate myself with any number of word game apps. Being able to capture nearly anything with camera or video is incredible, if not just because all of these capabilities are in one little item. Efficient and user friendly.

What I have come to truly appreciate about my iPhone sitting quietly on my nightstand is that on those nights when I wake up with a writing idea or thought process, I can pick it up and jot it all down without ever leaving my warm, comfortable bed. I use the 'notes' app for ease and don't worry about misspelling anything. I can't see a damn thing without my glasses and most often rely on reflex and instinct to get those thoughts recorded somewhere. The whole objective is to clear my head and get back to sleep. Back in the day when I would grab a notebook and pen, I'd sooner lie there until I fell asleep, losing potential masterpieces to the night. Mr. Sandman could make millions on the ideas I let slip away. 

Yes, my iPhone is my lifeline, but more for the increased likelihood and occurrence of thought preservation it has provided. Even better that I can sync it with my MacBook Pro and continue to develop on the words I saved in the darkness.