Scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook this morning (a daily ritual while I enjoy my first cup of coffee), I came upon a picture of a friend and her father. Aside from the fact that it was a fantastic photo, it was the first photo she has taken with him in nearly two decades. After 17 years, healing has begun. I only know a handful of reasons for their estrangement, though despite the gravity of it, they have come together, my friend much in the spirit of putting the past behind her. The peace and happiness I wish them both has nearly brought me to tears.
When I was twelve, I stopped seeing my mother's first husband (I reserve the words 'father' and 'dad' for the man who actually raised my sisters and I). I saw him once more at 16, when he, my younger sister and I met for a therapy session. It is my recollection that when my answers and input were not within his ability to manipulate and control, he became incensed and eventually stormed out of the office. In all honesty, the memory of that day is muddled, and I do not recall much other than that being the last time I ever saw him.
Over the past 26 years, I have had contact with him twice. The first time was a phone call just before my younger sister got married; I urged him to hold off on calling her, so as not to disrupt her happy glow. That may seem cruel, but this man has no concept of anyone, save himself. A narcissist if there ever were one, interactions with him were based in manipulation, coercion, and abuse. I didn't want his twisted need for control under the guise of self-pity to upheave my sister's excitement. He called her anyway.
For a long time I was bitter, hating this man who tormented my early years. The mere mention of him brought a slew of unpleasant emotions bubbling back to the surface that would take me days to stuff back down. I ended up marrying a man who was altogether too much like him. For 12 years I stayed and allowed the emotional terrorism and mental abuse to reign over my sons and myself. At some point during the latter half of that marriage, I was thrust into another situation that sent me reeling. As strange as it may seem, the resurfacing of my rape triggered the reclamation of myself.
After some 13 years had passed, I was given the chance to face the two men who abducted and repeatedly raped me when I was 19 in court. That opportunity, that vindication, set things in motion for my soul that have resulted in where I am at this moment. Something else happened as well; I decided to free myself and my sons from a tumultuous home life. It wasn't easy in the beginning, but I no longer harbor contempt for my children's father; just the hope that he someday figures out how to be the father his sons deserve.
The similarities of my sons' estrangement from their father, and my choice to cut ties with my own have not escaped my attention. That I bear some responsibility for history repeating itself, at one time, weighed heavy on me as a mother. I have rarely thought of my mother's first husband in the near three decades since I last saw him. Last year, however, sentimentality must have gotten the better of him, because he reached out to both my sister and I via Facebook. He typed up a rather lengthy message, detailing recent tragedies in his life, comparing them to my mother's, made mention of 'that night' (this was the first time he'd ever acknowledged I was raped) and how awful he'd felt and what it had done to him...suffice to say that in one read through, I became aware that not much had changed. I responded with condolences for his loss, but kindly let him know that I had no interest in reconnecting. His response to that was straight from the bitter narcissist I once knew. Instead of feeling badly, or wanting to continue this unhealthy exchange, I opted to let him have the last word.
Two good things have resulted in first being subjected to such a self-serving person; I am able to recognize when it is not in my best interest to allow or continue to allow a person who has narcissistic tendencies to be in my life, and that it is possible to find peace and forgive without needing to make amends. I do not believe that I could have ever have walked away from those courtrooms and the men who raped me with the sense of peace that I did, had I not truly let go of the hate and hurt their actions caused. And I would not have been able to do that, had I not first learned to walk away and find peace after years of abuse from my mother's first husband.
By no means does having forgiven these men eliminate all of the issues I still struggle with even today. Abuse leaves marks that often don't go away; they may heal, but the effects alter how we relate, react, and resume life around us. I would be foolish to ignore or deny that some of the character flaws I possess aren't connected to the my first father-figure and the two men who violated me. Being aware of the root of some of the things I do and say, helps me continue to become a better person. It is possible to release resentment, anger, and hate while living with the scars.
Whenever I see people I know and care about letting go of the past, as my friend and her father did this weekend, I have nothing but absolute happiness for them. I have been fortunate in my lifetime to have experienced the healing power this kind of interaction provides, but I don't feel it necessary or beneficial to seek that type of resolution with my first-father figure. I am elated that I was able to find inner harmony and a sense of peace on my own, as any kind of reunion with a man like him would be a one-sided attempt at forgiveness while deflecting daggers of blame and an unwillingness to own past wrongs. I wish him no ill-will; on the contrary, I hope that he continues to live a good, fulfilling life with as much happiness as possible. My life is full, and I have been blessed with an abundance of love, acceptance, and respect, enabling me to offer so much of the same in return.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Monday, August 11, 2014
Can we just stop vilifying breasts?
There are times that I have something to write that doesn't exactly 'fit' into the theme of my main blog Every Day Has A Silver Lining. What to do? I'd all but forgotten that I have more than that one blog, and the urge to type out what's in my head can ease now that I've remembered.
I wouldn't consider myself an activist; confrontation isn't my thing. In order to be effective at inciting change, you've got to be willing to stand your ground and actively face adversity. When it comes to family, friends, and even myself I have no problem facing issues as they arise and staying firm in my belief of what is just and right. I just have no wish to go looking for causes that, admittedly, need support and attention. This doesn't make me ignorant, irresponsible, or apathetic; I can support whatever I believe in without being the face of the cause.
The beach is like my haven. Good day, bad day, and everything in between, a trip to the beach makes life golden for me. I feel amazing, have incredible clarity, recharge my soul, and exude happiness after a couple hours luxuriating in the ocean air and basking in the rays of the summer sun. For certain, the beach is my happy place.
Occasionally, my visits are interrupted by the incessant screeching and crying of toddlers who clearly missed nap time, or the unnecessarily boisterous voice of a 'look at me' ego-stroke-seeker. This rarely causes me to cut my time in the sand short, because, after all, my tolerance and inner peace are at their most resilient in this particular setting. Yesterday, while at one of my all-time favorite sun-basking spots, I was yanked from a gloriously, peaceful state by an interaction just six feet from where I lay.
Two uniformed police officers were standing in the hot sun, addressing a woman who was topless. It hadn't even caught my attention that she was baring all, because frankly, I don't see what the big deal is. Since the act of a woman being topless at a beach isn't an issue for me, my attention was drawn by several other things. I would like to preface what I am about to say, by stating first that I believe the moral/legal soapbox position on breast baring to be outdated and uptight. The fact that we live in a country that regularly refers to 'freedom' and 'equality', yet still projects and enforces different allowances of skin visibility in public based on gender is absurd. We are a frustrated, insecure, and backwards society, hell bent on policing our neighbors for triggering our own lack of self-assurance, while ignoring the true acts of wrongdoing all around us. A nation of trivial nit-pickers, who fancy themselves much like the ridiculous examples on the ever-popular gag-fest of 'reality' shows. I hope I've made my position on this quite clear, as the points I am about to make should not detract from that.
As a non-activist-type person, my first thought as I took in this scene was that, given the societal acceptance of women's breasts in general (think breastfeeding in public - which I also believe is a ridiculous debate ... it's NATURAL people), is that this woman likes to incite confrontation. Without a doubt, I believe she has every right to sunbathe topless, but unless she was living in another, progressive nation her entire life, she had to know what being topless on a city-owned beach, among families in this country would lead to. Her arguments were valid for sure; the sign at the beach entrance lists a whopping 21 items that are prohibited while on the beach, and female toplessness isn't one of them. She certainly was a one woman protest (though I did hear fodder an hour later from two older men talking to an obviously affronted older woman about two younger ladies at the other end of the beach baring their breasts as well), but from all I can tell her approach to equality and exercising freedom only roused the finger pointers and gossips. Kudos to her for being brave enough to stand up for her rights, but seriously I don't understand how she could have been insulted and surprised by the backlash of her actions.
The next thing that struck me, as the officers stood there trying to calmly encourage her to cover up, was that of those listed beach no-nos, a couple of them were actively being committed mere feet from the partial, frontal nudity. People were playing frisbee and drinking alcohol right in front of two of South Portland's finest and it wasn't even addressed. That people are so fixated on any amount of breast tissue nudity being an offense that warrants a call to the police, and the open consumption of alcohol in public where it is prohibited garners a turn of the cheek astounds me. An actual law was being broken by at least three different parties in the immediate vicinity of this topless woman, and not one person said or did anything about it. Myself included, but again, unless a person's welfare is in jeopardy, I believe in live and let live.
Shortly before I called it a day, another woman went out of her way to walk by the topless sunbather and chastise her. Of course all I saw was a pathetic announcement to all within earshot that she was an insecure, bitter female who projects her fears and feelings of low self-image onto others, instead of getting to the root of her problem. All while hiding behind the face of a wholesome, god-fearing, family woman. People, get a life! "Excuse me miss," said with absolute disdain by the dowdy mom. "Thank you for wasting our tax dollars." Seriously? The real waste of those tax dollars she so ineffectively tried to pass off as her main motive for approaching the woman in the first place, were those officers completely ignoring the alcohol in front of them!
As I was readying myself to depart the patch of sand I had been occupying, I overheard the affronted older woman and the two older men discussing the 'topless woman'. I looked up and just stared at them in pity; exactly what did this sunbather do that was such a violation that people became so insulted and injured over it? It's just so messed up.
It could be argued that my abstaining from any involvement made me party to it, but I would disagree. I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to become part of the issue or add fuel to an unnecessary fire. I am not offended or bothered by another woman's breasts, and I have consumed adult bevvies on beaches for years (albeit discreetly). Neither of these things were worth the repercussions that would have resulted in adding my voice to either of them. Standing with or against this women, or calling attention to those consuming alcohol would have only created a larger spectacle, and one that wouldn't lead to the desired outcome of acceptance.
There are many causes and issues that require a show of unity and solidarity, naked breasts just isn't one of them in my opinion. It is a no-brainer to me that if a woman wants to bare her beautiful bossom in public, as any man has the freedom to do with his pecks and abs, she should be able to. Then again, we are a society so sexually messed up that the very act of exercising that particular freedom would likely lead to the woman being violated and objectified, all while laying blame on her for daring to be free.
I wouldn't consider myself an activist; confrontation isn't my thing. In order to be effective at inciting change, you've got to be willing to stand your ground and actively face adversity. When it comes to family, friends, and even myself I have no problem facing issues as they arise and staying firm in my belief of what is just and right. I just have no wish to go looking for causes that, admittedly, need support and attention. This doesn't make me ignorant, irresponsible, or apathetic; I can support whatever I believe in without being the face of the cause.
The beach is like my haven. Good day, bad day, and everything in between, a trip to the beach makes life golden for me. I feel amazing, have incredible clarity, recharge my soul, and exude happiness after a couple hours luxuriating in the ocean air and basking in the rays of the summer sun. For certain, the beach is my happy place.
Occasionally, my visits are interrupted by the incessant screeching and crying of toddlers who clearly missed nap time, or the unnecessarily boisterous voice of a 'look at me' ego-stroke-seeker. This rarely causes me to cut my time in the sand short, because, after all, my tolerance and inner peace are at their most resilient in this particular setting. Yesterday, while at one of my all-time favorite sun-basking spots, I was yanked from a gloriously, peaceful state by an interaction just six feet from where I lay.
Two uniformed police officers were standing in the hot sun, addressing a woman who was topless. It hadn't even caught my attention that she was baring all, because frankly, I don't see what the big deal is. Since the act of a woman being topless at a beach isn't an issue for me, my attention was drawn by several other things. I would like to preface what I am about to say, by stating first that I believe the moral/legal soapbox position on breast baring to be outdated and uptight. The fact that we live in a country that regularly refers to 'freedom' and 'equality', yet still projects and enforces different allowances of skin visibility in public based on gender is absurd. We are a frustrated, insecure, and backwards society, hell bent on policing our neighbors for triggering our own lack of self-assurance, while ignoring the true acts of wrongdoing all around us. A nation of trivial nit-pickers, who fancy themselves much like the ridiculous examples on the ever-popular gag-fest of 'reality' shows. I hope I've made my position on this quite clear, as the points I am about to make should not detract from that.
As a non-activist-type person, my first thought as I took in this scene was that, given the societal acceptance of women's breasts in general (think breastfeeding in public - which I also believe is a ridiculous debate ... it's NATURAL people), is that this woman likes to incite confrontation. Without a doubt, I believe she has every right to sunbathe topless, but unless she was living in another, progressive nation her entire life, she had to know what being topless on a city-owned beach, among families in this country would lead to. Her arguments were valid for sure; the sign at the beach entrance lists a whopping 21 items that are prohibited while on the beach, and female toplessness isn't one of them. She certainly was a one woman protest (though I did hear fodder an hour later from two older men talking to an obviously affronted older woman about two younger ladies at the other end of the beach baring their breasts as well), but from all I can tell her approach to equality and exercising freedom only roused the finger pointers and gossips. Kudos to her for being brave enough to stand up for her rights, but seriously I don't understand how she could have been insulted and surprised by the backlash of her actions.
The next thing that struck me, as the officers stood there trying to calmly encourage her to cover up, was that of those listed beach no-nos, a couple of them were actively being committed mere feet from the partial, frontal nudity. People were playing frisbee and drinking alcohol right in front of two of South Portland's finest and it wasn't even addressed. That people are so fixated on any amount of breast tissue nudity being an offense that warrants a call to the police, and the open consumption of alcohol in public where it is prohibited garners a turn of the cheek astounds me. An actual law was being broken by at least three different parties in the immediate vicinity of this topless woman, and not one person said or did anything about it. Myself included, but again, unless a person's welfare is in jeopardy, I believe in live and let live.
Shortly before I called it a day, another woman went out of her way to walk by the topless sunbather and chastise her. Of course all I saw was a pathetic announcement to all within earshot that she was an insecure, bitter female who projects her fears and feelings of low self-image onto others, instead of getting to the root of her problem. All while hiding behind the face of a wholesome, god-fearing, family woman. People, get a life! "Excuse me miss," said with absolute disdain by the dowdy mom. "Thank you for wasting our tax dollars." Seriously? The real waste of those tax dollars she so ineffectively tried to pass off as her main motive for approaching the woman in the first place, were those officers completely ignoring the alcohol in front of them!
As I was readying myself to depart the patch of sand I had been occupying, I overheard the affronted older woman and the two older men discussing the 'topless woman'. I looked up and just stared at them in pity; exactly what did this sunbather do that was such a violation that people became so insulted and injured over it? It's just so messed up.
It could be argued that my abstaining from any involvement made me party to it, but I would disagree. I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to become part of the issue or add fuel to an unnecessary fire. I am not offended or bothered by another woman's breasts, and I have consumed adult bevvies on beaches for years (albeit discreetly). Neither of these things were worth the repercussions that would have resulted in adding my voice to either of them. Standing with or against this women, or calling attention to those consuming alcohol would have only created a larger spectacle, and one that wouldn't lead to the desired outcome of acceptance.
There are many causes and issues that require a show of unity and solidarity, naked breasts just isn't one of them in my opinion. It is a no-brainer to me that if a woman wants to bare her beautiful bossom in public, as any man has the freedom to do with his pecks and abs, she should be able to. Then again, we are a society so sexually messed up that the very act of exercising that particular freedom would likely lead to the woman being violated and objectified, all while laying blame on her for daring to be free.
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